| Idealism, Luck, Guilt & Shame |
[Wed, 12 Sep 2007|1857hrs] |
| [ | Feeling |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Playing |
| | Rob Thomas- Little Wonders | ] |
Whenever I look at my 5-year old cousin, I feel a pang of guilt and sadness, and I feel lucky. More guilt than lucky though. I don't know why I feel guilty, but sad I'm sure you will understand.
Up till last Friday night, I always had faith, believed and thought that my cousin, possibly my favourite cousin, would one day, with enough physiotheraphy and exercise, stand up, walk, run and play soccer like he loves to. That ideal was shattered when my dad told me it would never happen. He is never going to walk like everyone else. Everyone whom the world deems to walk "normally" anyway. Normal is such a screwed word nowadays. If your clique deems someone weird, even if the person is normal, that person is never normal. Normal just does not exist. Your friends may think you're normal, but others may not. Unless of course you're Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.
After the truth struck me, I sat in bed wondering how I could have been so idealistic, like a little boy. I always believed myself to be emotionally shut down. Even the coaches at AKLTG said so. Is there something still alive in me? That means, I'm still here, still capable of that 4-alphabet word everyone's looking for, doesn't it?
Then came feeling lucky, well not really. I can't seem to see myself in a good light at any time of day. I guess I'm still shut down on self-esteem. Thankfully my gigantic ego's still around. Hopefully it doesn't destroy any more of my future friendships.
I actually wanted to post this last Saturday morning, after the melancholic night, but couldn't type it. Just couldn't get into the emotional state to write this out.
But now, I can, because 5 minutes ago I was outside in the living room talking to my cousin, and asking him what he did today. He said he was practicing for a concert. In truth, it was his classmates practicing. I asked him if he was performing and he said no.
Then I asked if he would like to perform. He didn't reply, but instead looked away at the Barney VCD he was watching on TV. So I asked him again, and this time he said no.
And so I asked him why not. He didn't answer, but his body language said it all. His eyes were darting around, looking for an escape route and avoiding eye contact with me, finally landing fixed on the TV. His body slightly slouched as if hiding something.
Finally I asked him, "is it because you're shy?". He said yes, and as for why, I got no reply when asked.
For a 5-year old boy whom many would think is oblivious to his own body and surroundings, this cousin of mine has always proven all my theories about babies and children wrong. He's the smartest kid I've ever seen. Hell, he's probably stronger than any other kid too with the exercise he does everyday.
But isn't it a shame that all those strengths are going to go to waste? I feel ashamed that I'm not making anything of myself while a kid so smart and will most definitely be something some day won't be able to.
Cripple. Disabled. Paraplegic. That's probably what he'll be called in school. He'll probably be made fun of. Then he'll shy away from everyone and become withdrawn. For someone who for the past 5 years has been the light and darkness of his family's lives, he's a bright shining light demanding NOT to be put out, not to be left to wither instead of bloom.
That's the way the world works now. Irregardless of what you are on the inside. What you are on the outside makes the difference.
The world sucks, and there's no way to change it. Only people running and funding rehabilitation centres, charities, welfare organizations and the like think they can change the world, if they work hard enough and spend enough money.
Does prayer really work? Loopholes in my strong, yet ironically shaky faith are appearing, and not closing. |
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